goodbyes in july

“Sometimes you don’t survive whole, you just survive in part. But the grandeur of life is that attempt. It’s not about that solution. It is about being as fearless as one can, and behaving as beautifully as one can.” — Toni Morrison on the Connecticut Forum

I vacuumed the crap out of the rug today. It's super clean and Archie is OK sprawling all over it again when he's home. I think for a sec about how long it took to unbox and situate the damn rug in the first place -- literally like half a year. It had sat even more months before in my Wayfair cart, waiting to be checked out. I had polled like at least 4 different people to help decide whether to go through with it or not. I'm usually a much more impulsive shopper.

A couple of days ago, I turned 27. These days, I rewind at night watching Sunday cleaning "resetting" TikTok videos, sometimes just out of curiosity to see the perspective of an adult with a hard routine. Despite all the flack the app gets, there are moments where TikTok creators really deliver with fringe advice. I like listening to the people who say, "romanticize your own life", especially when it's something silly like buying a cute cup to convince oneself to make an activity out of drinking tea.

I don't hang out with anyone younger than me, and despite my many jokes about being ancient, I don't feel old. No, the more apt way to express how I feel right now is that, I feel like I'm living extra, or on borrowed time. I honestly just didn't expect it to make this far. A few years ago my sister helped me get my finances together and she was really concerned why I had no sense of financial planning, and worse, why I had so many delinquent payments. It was embarrassing and sad to admit, I didn't think I would live long enough to where these actions would pose an issue in my life. I just didn't see life after college. Being 27 now, this has changed. Every year I understand more and more that life is happening and I am a part of it.

Though ironically, life has simmered completely down to a halt. I'm not impulsive anymore. No more spontaneous trips, wild dates or untamed lovers to complain about. It's not... just the absence of nightlife, but maybe missing the unpredictability of it all. I know how to regulate my emotions now, compared to the rawness I had felt in my bones then. Now I know how to leave, and that I have options to deal with my issues. I feel comfortable asking for help. I'm no longer destitute, meaning I'm more or less stable. The most drama in my life right now is keeping this damn basil plant alive. It feels great but unnatural and sometimes, suspicious.

It's a bit silly to complain about, but this is what I think about most. I think I feel most fulfilled when I picture myself in a narrative of my own life, though I don't necessarily have to play the main role. When I was 20 I would bemoan the fact that life felt pointless, that I felt directionless and doomed. Now, I know intimately and securely that we are all truly doomed, but I can choose how to create meaning in my life. It took me a while, but I'm going to start there.